Archive for August, 2016

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

………..Suddenly I feel all grown up; suddenly I feel alone; suddenly I feel a vacuum; suddenly I feel devoid of a purpose in life. Everything at the snap of a finger!!

I knew lot of struggle was going within you, but never realized all the glitter around your smile would be rubbed off so soon. Every time I still wake up from the echo of that phone call, I feel empty and dangerously consumed for the entire day.

I never realized this before but you played host of roles in my life.

You are my best friend. And I am not saying this because today it has become a fashion to call every known person of 3 months to call your best friend., but you are literally there with me at every stage. Together we share so many jokes that only we can understand. We have code names to all hilarious events of our lives, keeping the people around guessing. We can call each other even at odd times to share both moments of distress and happiness. You roll up your sleeves every time you see any hurt coming my way. We love to travel, click photographs, pose like a badass and laugh at ourselves. Most importantly, I have the liberty to lose my temper in front of you (and even at you) without getting judged or making you offended.

You are my daughter. I may or may not love to experience motherhood sooner in life, but you made me a mother in the last 3 years even before conceiving one. Once you were extremely ill and said that you miss your mother more than anyone else in the world. I told you that I was there, but you said only the love of a mother could console you. And that was the day when I decided to be your mother. After all, the menace spreading inside your body was making you a kid day by day who needed pampering and attention. I still remember I started calling you “tui” instead of “tumi” and adopted the approach of a mother while inquiring about your health. I don’t know whether it was planned by god but just 9 days before your departure we met and I fed you from my hand and even took and brought you back from washroom. I may have never known what it feels to take care of a baby so early, but you gave me that.

You are my problem solver. We all have that one person in life that doesn’t have any solution to our problems but rambling about it in front of them hundred times gives us peace, and who knows, can also fill us up with ideas if the luck is by our side. You are that person in my life. God know how you manage to have that much patience, but you have always lent me kind ears to all my blabbering.

And of course you are my mother. I am your pride. You always tell me that. I am amused with the glint you have in your eyes whenever you speak of me to others. You always wanted me to be an independent woman who respected culture but was not confined to it. You taught me that my womanhood is not limited to being a good cook, being married or giving birth to a child. You taught me to have my individual identity first and most importantly be a happy soul.

I still shudder to revisit the day when you held my hand for the last time while your eyelids grew heavy. I clutched back and said “tomake ekhan theke nie jabo” (we are taking back you from here soon) and you replied gently “aar nei, aar nei, aar nei” (no more, no more, no more). You were trying to say something more when you exhaled, but I couldn’t understand what you muttered. I even couldn’t do anything except for staring at disbelief when the doctors asked for my signature on the consent form for END TO LIFE.

All I have is now bits and pieces of what people refer as remembrance. The sarees that smells agonizingly familiar. The fondness for devotional songs. The flair to cook Hilsa fish. The enthusiast laughter that followed whenever I mimicked someone. The intuitive touch that reached for my hand whenever I felt down. The maniac denial to take medicine. The weakness for bakery biscuits. The little boxes full of body lotion and nail paint. The glasses with dust. The insistence to safeguard my emotional well being at every situation. The phone number at speed dial. The list is endless.

Maa…People say I have lost you, I say I have gained a guardian angel. People say you don’t belong to this world anymore, I say you don’t need a world to stay, just my heart is enough. People say I have to move on from you, I say I am an extension of you, how do you move on from yourself? People say I have to refer you in past tense now, I say the journey from “is” to “was” is going to induce a tumultuous fear.

I refuse to address you in past tense. So, you are my best friend; you are my daughter; you are my problem solver and you are and always will be my mother.

Free of all the pain, smile again, fly again and LIVE AGAIN.

……..Suddenly I feel all grown up; suddenly I feel alone; suddenly I feel a vacuum; suddenly I feel devoid of a purpose in life. Everything at the snap of a finger!!